I want to believe you didn’t know what you were doing. Perhaps you didn’t understand the magnitude of suffering you had just laid down for my life. Maybe you were too immature and ignorant to comprehend the consequences of your actions. But in some way it pains me to think of you as that heartless. That in the immaturity you were not humane enough to know right from wrong. Surely it can’t be in your nature to be that selfish.
Do you know that I blamed myself? Yes I blamed myself for your sadistic behaviour. I should have taken care of myself. I shouldn’t have been out in such a dark world. I allowed myself to trust you and I let my guard down. But as soon as I learnt that it wasn’t my fault I hated you. I hated you for making me shut down and move away from everyone who cares. I hated you for making me scared of confined spaces. I hated you for making me think the worst of everyone because they’re not like you. You are the anomaly
I told myself to stop crying. Dusted myself off and thought I’d move on with my life. I buried everything at the back of my mind and hoped time would make it bearable after you broke my trust. I guess I also didn’t understand how much of me you’d broken. Not until I found myself shaking uncontrollably on the floor. The mind doesn’t forget. Unheard of? Not really. It’s a normal trauma response. You have made me a trauma expert. A trauma survivor.
I forgave you and not because you apologised. I forgave you because the burden of making myself okay again lied in my hands. I wasn’t going to allow you to continue to take away my life.
The world is not a safe space. It’s cruel for the girl child and you are the reason.
This 🥲🥲🥲❣️
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